By Paul Hagen, Director of Student Well-Being

She wasn’t defiant or disrespectful, just confused. just confused. “But I was only joking!” she protested when I reported that her words had harmed a classmate. “I didn’t mean to hurt anybody’s feelings.” Scenes like this have played out dozens of times during my years at Eastside Prep. Our students—genuinely kind as they are—rarely intend to insult, offend, or attack classmates, teachers, or friends with their words. Yet, while navigating the turbulent adolescent years, most will inevitably say things that hurt others from time to time.

Riya and Janice (both Class of 2031) connect with Ms. Kuffner after lunch.

It is generally understood—intellectually, at least—that words matter and that what we say, write, or post online has an impact on those around us. We know that intent, while important in understanding motivation, isn’t the only thing that counts. The impact is equally—maybe even more—important. The fact that impact matters and needs to be accounted for is intuitively and universally understood when it comes to physical harm. When I accidentally threw a baseball through a neighbor’s window as a child, it didn’t much matter that I had intended to throw the ball into a nearby net; what mattered was the shattered glass (I’ll never forget the gut-churning sound. Though, as it turned out, it wasn’t the only window I would break over my auspicious baseball career… just the first). I was responsible for a new glass pane—a costly investment for a twelve-year-old—and, with some help from my dad, for fixing the window. My actions—unintentional as they were—had a negative impact, and it was my responsibility to make it right.

Broken glass aside, sometimes we forget that words have a real impact too. Just as a wayward baseball can shatter glass, a misguided or unkind word can shatter a relationship. Emotional harm is just as real and just as painful as physical harm. Nevertheless, at times we downplay the impact that our words can have. It is all too easy to join in the chorus of those claiming that if words weren’t intended to hurt or offend, there is no need for repair when the impact of those words are hurtful. But that doesn’t pass the commonsense test. When we hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally, we need to take responsibility and make it right. This is true regardless of the nature of the harm caused. We all know from personal experience just how hurtful language can be, so we should also be mindful of how our own words can impact others and make repairs when that impact is not what we had intended. But why does language hold such impactful power?

AS WE WORK TO BUILD A COMMUNITY BASED ON COMPASSIONATE LEADERSHIP AND EMPATHETIC DIALOGUE, WE DO WELL TO REMEMBER THE POWER OF LANGUAGE.

The Evolution of Language and its Power

Language—the sounds and symbols used to communicate ideas—was first invented by our big-brained ancestors as a matter of survival. Our fragile species didn’t have much chance in a hostile world unless we worked together. This collaboration (from the Latin co-laborare, meaning “to work together”) was only possible with clear communication. Initially, language was verbal and likely only about the physical world. Our ancestors’ earliest conversations were limited to their environment, the physical risks they faced, and where to find food, water, and shelter.

Language was a remarkably useful tool when trying to survive in an unfriendly world, but its flexibility led to benefits beyond finding food and avoiding predators. It didn’t take long for language to evolve past simple descriptions of the physical world to include descriptions of the emotional landscape of the human psyche. The ability to articulate complex ideas and beliefs from deep within was transformative. This newfound semantic complexity, however, did as much to divide us as it did to unite us. Communication led to miscommunication, and the very language used to build understanding and agreement led to misunderstanding and disagreement. This duality made language a powerful tool and a potent weapon. Once language had advanced, exposing our core, it left that core vulnerable. As language became more personal, it became more powerful, too.

The power of language was multiplied and magnified with the invention of writing. Now, wisdom, emotion, insult, query, conjecture—all human thought, really— could be shared not only with those within earshot but also with anyone who could read. Thoughts, for good and for ill, could now be transmitted over space and time.

Fast-forward several thousand years, and we haven’t changed all that much. Language is still central to how we coexist and collaborate. Yes, we have traded clay tablets for digital ones, but the primal power of language remains central to our experience.

Building a Culture of Compassionate Communication

Of all the student challenges I’ve dealt with at Eastside Prep, the most common by far are those rooted in language. Unkind words exchanged during a disagreement, an inartful attempt at humor, a passing remark that belittles another. And these hurtful words are almost always aggravated when amplified online. No one wants to hurt a friend or classmate with their words, yet it still happens, and when it does it can leave a lasting scar. So, what’s the solution? Happily, just as language has the power to harm, so too it has the power to heal.

As we work to build a community based on compassionate leadership and empathetic dialogue, we do well to remember the power of language. Our words can shape our environment, influence relationships, and affect the well-being of others. By fostering an awareness of the impact of our words and emphasizing the importance of empathy in our communication, we can create a more understanding and supportive community at Eastside Prep, where every voice is valued and where words create a better world.

Tips for Empathetic Dialogue

• Lead with Empathy: Consider the feelings and perspectives of others before speaking, writing, or posting.
• Think Before You Speak: Reflect on whether your words positively contribute to the conversation and the community.
• Listen Actively and Seek Clarification: Pay attention to what others are saying without judgment. Empathetic listening can prevent misunderstandings. When disagreements or misunderstandings arise, ask clarifying questions.
• Apologize When Necessary: If your words impact others negatively, offer a sincere apology and make it right.

Together we can work to ensure our words contribute to a positive and inclusive environment, reinforcing our commitment to compassionate leadership and empathetic dialogue. Let’s make Eastside Prep a place where every voice is heard, respected, and valued, and where the power of language is used to empower and encourage others.